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#LetsTalkAnxiety ... and Dementors?

01/10/2015
I am a panic machine. If I am not driving myself insane with one notion, I am furiously wracking my brains in search of another impending disaster. My mind will not cease until it has triggered an epidemic. Like a big, red panic button victim to constant head bashing; my mind is always on red alert.

A stress-head sums me up. I worry and deliberate over everyone and everything; from my dissertation to simple tasks like what to have for lunch, everything is scrutinised in meticulous detail (unless I'm hungover and then my only thought process is: mm, pizza). This constant migraine of thoughts and feelings and panics is one that I am well aware of and consciously seek to nurture, but for someone who's anxiety is rather new and out of the blue, that itself is enough to send me into disarray.

My mind is a mess of jumbled thoughts, all fighting to gain victorious priority.  It's so annoying.


Until my university years, I was never an anxious person. If anything I'd be described as laid-back and confident. I was never one to overthink. In fact, I'd say I was embarrassingly arrogant about myself; I never panicked over exams, I assumed everyone liked me because duh, I'm fab, and my worries about the future were limited to what I'd wear to town that Saturday. I wasn't even that bothered about my A-Level results for christ's sake. I was super slick and carefree.

I'm not sure when it happened. Whether it was a sudden outburst prompted by some sort of tragic life event (that I apparently completely missed... first year was very hazy) or just a natural accumulation of stress. It was a sneaky little devil that captured my mind unbeknownst to me. Either way, it's stuck with me now. I am now officially a person with anxiety - and it is the bane of my life.

The thing with anxiety is it makes no sense. I could be totally in control of something, but my mind would warp the situation, find the tiniest error and magnify it to a million. Suddenly this minute thing is at the forefront of my attention, it becomes all I can think about. It defines me for that time. I'm not simply Rebecca, I'm 'Rebecca is really stressed about her finances today and is worried she will be evicted and homeless and probably die'. Yep, hi, nice to meet you.

To me, my anxiety is best described as a dementor (Yes, as in Harry Potter - bare with me). Imagine you are on the Hogwarts express, minding your own business and, let's say, having a lovely cup of tea. Suddenly, the skies ease into darkness, your joints stiffen and coldness overcomes you. From seemingly nowhere, you feel the life being sucked out of you being replaced instead by a numb echo of panics and anxieties. You are paralysed by these anxious fears to the point where you feel you cannot breathe. You feel choked by the weight of these pressures. You want someone to provide the magic answer, but Lupin cannot come to your rescue. Lupin exists fractionally in the form of mind-numbing medication and counselling.

Luckily for me, my anxiety doesn't control me to the destructive degree in which it does others. Generally, I can commence with my day with minimal problems as long as I am preoccupied and have easy access to the liquid gold that is tea (I am a firm believer in the power of tea). Yet it is still a fight I have to pencil in every day of my life;

A battle between myself and the soul-sucking fiend of anxiety.

14 comments

  1. Anxiety is TOTALLY like a dementor. Great post!

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  2. Thanks so much for writing your #LetsTalkAnxiety post! Sorry I'm only just getting around to commenting.

    My anxiety seemed really similar, I was at uni in my second year and even though I'd experienced no anxiety in my first year, all of a sudden it totally took over me to the point where I left uni (I had a shit time there anyway). Your dementor metaphor is pretty much the most accurate thing I've ever read!

    I'm usually ok day-to-day but like you say, it's keeping busy and trying not to let your mind wander that help. I'm glad you don't let it control you - some people I've met have it so severely, it's such an invisible illness though.

    Thanks again lovely!

    Robyn xo
    www.phasesofrobyn.com

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    1. You are welcome. It's a great idea so thank you! xx

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  3. Ugh, YES to the dementor thing! I was having a perfectly fine morning, and then bam, right at my desk! I started getting hot and anxious and upset, I don't even know why, which is annoying because I want to find my triggers so I can avoid them! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it's comforting to know we are not alone with our invisible demons xxx

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    1. I'm glad you found it useful. Anxiety is the worrsstttt :'( xx

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  4. I know the feels girl! I'm in Uni at the moment and at times I feel a bit carefree about assignments and that! X

    Charli XCX 90s fun over on -
    hailandharmony.blogspot.ie
    // BLOGLOVIN

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