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9 Things you're guaranteed to hear after graduating.

Bradford, UK 05/08/2016
I changed my header the other day. Nothing to write home about, just a fairly pathetic attempt to convince myself I've been giving this blog it's due attention. Seen as it's been a month since I lasted posted, it's pretty obvious I haven't. I've been waiting for some divine inspiration but I've come to realise that staring blindly at US crime dramas for four weeks straight doesn't add much to the creative juices. Who'da thought?

I'm still not brimming with ideas. Ideally, I'd like each of my posts to mean something, to really have something to say. Or, at the very least, be somewhat mildly amusing. I can pretty much assure you that this will be neither because my heart's not really all that in it just yet. Whacking off CV's left and center doesn't get the heart racing, that's for sure. So I'm writing about the only thing I've got going for me - an in-depth knowledge of the shit you hear after graduation. Trust me, it's enough to make you cut a bitch.

Welcome to the real world! 
Yes, for the past three years I have resided in a mythical land in which I floated along its twinkling paths and whistled carelessly with joy. None of the heartache, the money troubles, the part-time job, or the volunteering ever even happened. Life experiences don't count at university, because IT'S NOT THE REAL WORLD GUYS. None of it is EVEN REAL.
So, what are you going to do with your life now? 
Well, Carol, I was thinking of getting a five quid bottle of merlot, downing the whole thing and sobbing uncontrollably into my pasta bake for one. I might send off the odd application but the wine's kinda more my vibe.
Well, what did you think *insert standard academic degree here* was going to lead into?
I dunno. Maybe, perhaps, ANYTHING I goddamn please. People have been pretty successful doing academics for a few hundred years now, so I don't think you should be giving them any stick, eh Sue?
I told my Gary that if he was going to university, it better be doing something worthwhile, you know? Something that actually leads to a job.
 See above point, you condescending piece of shit.
All these kids wasting money on degrees. Everyone knows it's all about working your way up the ladder, innit.
Cheers for the input, Uncle Pete. Yer right. There int' nowt worse than spending three years trying to better yourself through education. What's the point in fucking knowledge, eh? Where'd it ever get anyone? That lass off Coutdown has three degrees but I bet she dunt how to fix a faulty boiler.*
Bet you never thought you'd be temping after going to that posho uni, eh?
No, I didn't, but I'm not embarrassed by it either. A gal's gotta pay back that mounting overdraft. So why don't you pull that bloody stick out your arse, Linda, it must be giving you one hell of a hernia.
Aw, love, all that debt and you've ended up back at home. It must soooo tough ending right back where you started.
Yeah, the free food, rent and unconditional love is just killing me. KILLING ME. Why won't they stop smothering me with love and affection and M&S meal deals? It's just all too much. TOO MUCH! How will I ever escape?
Our Sandy graduated and got a smashing job. Now she's on 50k a year and gets to travel all over the shop. She's doing so well!
Well, whoop-di-fucking-doo Sandy. I'm so glad your life is going sooooo well. I'm sooooo glad you spent 3 weeks in Dubai whilst I contemplated going camping in Skeggy. I was even gladder when I realised Skeggy is way out of my current price range. You go, Sandy. Aren't you just absolutely, bloody fantastic?
Did you hear? Little Dave you used to babysit just got into Oxbridge!
OH MY GOD, JAYNE, STOP SHARING OTHER PEOPLE'S HAPPINESS WITH ME. I'M A GRADUATE AND MY LIFE IS OFFICIALLY OVER.

*Disclaimer: I bet she does. That Rachel Riley's one smart woman.

Currently watching - Withnail and I (again). Currently listening - Science Fiction - Christine and The Queens.

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